Neuronal Perceptions

Coroner’s Report on A Devastating and Unexplained Fire in Mudrock University

Lorne had just arrived in Mudrock University to work for the day. She was dressed in her stupid dress, her hair tied into two ponytails which represented her kiddie-like hobby — torturing poor Honours students who do their best to please her, but fail.

Danny, the fat dude who had a piggy-like face so chubby that deserved to be deep fried into lard greeted her outside her office. Like Lorne, he enjoyed eating Honours students for dinner by asking them that dreaded question that usually stuck in their minds. One word. Why?

It was Why here and Why there and Why everywhere. Danny and Lorne loved this word to the max. It could be said that this word had even become a part of their surname.

Beside Danny, there was Kitty, with a face so white, yet a heart so brutish and vile as to see poor students suffer from having to finish interpreting almost 20-30 NMR spectra within a week together with an essay. No amount of reasoning would make Kitty listen to them. Kitty’s mantra can be seen stuck at her door, “Do as what Kitty says, if not she’ll tear you into pieces!” And Kitty does mean what she says.

Target, another little lady, has her office beside Kitty. She’s a very small, tiny Chinese lady, but her face had been disfigured from a debilitating disease. Unlike Danny and Lorne, Target wants Honours students to do it Her way, the Target Way, even if Her way is totally wrong. It ain’t her marks anyway, she doesn’t care much about it. Thus making students have to seek out alternative sources of information because, well, Target couldn’t give them a Target to follow at all.

We go across the building and come into another old beardy guy’s office. This fella is called Grin, and he has such a stupid Grin on his face all the time that you wouldn’t know if he was true or false. Grin thinks he’s smarter than Darkwolf, that whenever something factually wrong is said in front of him, Grin becomes pissed off. Even Darkwolf tries to correct your mistake, but Grin doesn’t care.

Downstairs, Ralfer is slashing his 10m cat-o-9 tails on the ground. His wastewater research students have plenty of red welts on their backs from his lashings.

Then we go back into Mudrock’s other building and find the last fella in our scenario. Dividia Ralfer. A skin so white and a heart so black, Dividia thinks failing other people is his hobby and enjoys seeing students beg that 1-2 extra marks from him in order to get a HD/D/C/ whatever grade, and he not giving them. In fact, it can be said that a large bulge could be seen growing from his crotch whenever he says this sort of thing.

And this is where the conflagration starts.  Shitty country music emanated from Dividia’s overly large office, together with the stink of piss and semen that Dividia had ejaculated whenever he saw poor students begging extra marks from him. For some reason, Dividia thinks of the time when he gave poor Darkwolf a H2B and starts laughing so hard. He laughs until his dick exploded and semen goes into his speakers, causing the singer to spew vulgarities involuntarily. The circuit electrocutes, a spark fires, and blue light flashes inside Dividia’s dick. The bird explodes in a ball of flame, consuming Dividia with it.

The fire spreads to Lorne’s office, where she is halfway trying to count how many PEC144 students she had failed today. Her ponytails on fire, Lorne screams like a mad lady trying to put it off, all the while thinking about how much she misses beef steak. On the surface Lorne is a vegetarian but her heart yearns for the protein that she would get from meat. Finally Lorne becomes a human steak herself and is tossed to a couple of cattle, which consume her remains gratefully.

The burning mouth of hell next visits Danny’s room, where he starts crying in pain as his body fat is deep fried in front of his very eyes. Later when the flames had died down, passers-by found a few interested pigs visiting his office and lapping up pieces of fried lard that had appeared on the floor together with all the other debris.

Kitty is next consumed by the flames, her cries, catlike and meowing. Yet she doesn’t regret her death at all. After the disaster, forensic experts put her remains through NMR, characterise it, and find a new chemical reaction. The Kitty Reaction was published in all reputable journals the next day, and the nasty face of charred Kitty graced the covers of journals for the next few years.

Target was found all black, her severe disfigurement a sight of wonder to many of the investigators that came after the incident. Her death was unexplained, and unsolved to this day, as Target has never ever hit the Target before and caused her only Honours Student to miss his Target of 2A.

Aaron Dick wasn’t actually consumed by the flames, and almost made a narrow escape. However, the sight of pigs and cattle consuming the meat of Lorne and Danny made his dick erect, and he decided to commit suicide in order to further enjoy the sexual pleasure of watching farm animals consume his friends’ remains.

Forensic investigation by the police revealed a possibility that static electricity together with a passing ball lightning caused Grin’s face to burn into an eternal, skeletal Grin. A grin of terror so horrible that it would scare the living shits out of anyone who’d ever took a glance at his remains.

Ralfer, lecturer extraordinare wasn’t actually eaten by the flames. When word spread about Grin’s inexplicable death and the fire in Chemistry, Ralfer was instead forced by his students (slaves) into the fire. One student stole his whip and kept lashing him so hard that he had to jump into the conflagration to save himself. Or to kill himself in this case.

Mudrock officials were strangely unsympathetic over the whole incident. “Chemistry is a useless subject,” says Egg White, vice chancellor of Mudrock. “Since our stupid fucking staff made it more difficult than it needed to be, it made students hate them. And since students weren’t gonna take Chemistry anyway, we were gonna strike this course off our university. Fortunately the fire did them out first. Good riddance, I don’t know how I was gonna face off a whole department by saying that they’ll be scrapped.”

And as for the lives of good lecturers who served the university? “Hah, what fucking good lives they live?” Egg White continues. “Exams, exams, exams, and forcing poor students to cater to their stupid whims. Everytime it’s always “Their way or the highway”. Never listening to students’ concerns.”

The remaining surviving Chemistry staff will be fired, while the department will be rebuilt. However, in its place will be the new Education and Humanities Building.

And to commemorate this joyous event, December 1st had been designated by Mudrock officials as the Fuck Chemistry Day and would be celebrated every year thereafter with students conducting open burning and condemnation of Chemistry books.

Egg White chuckles. “I think it’ll be an extremely educational experience.”